Telemarketing Scripts

It's dinner time and you have just started a delicious and hot meal. The phone rings. Thinking it might be important, you answer. "Hello?" After a few seconds of distant background chatter, another voice says "Hello?" Again, you say "Hello?" Then you are offered a long-winded dissertation on some product you can barely identify, ending with a question designed to elicit an answer.

If you are a decent and polite person, and most of us are, you will answer truthfully and be sucked into the sales pitch. When you finally emerge, dinner is over for the rest of the family, and yours is cold.

You have been victimized by a telemarketing script. But what can you do?

The answer is to use your own script. Telemarketers are just ordinary people. They are not natural hucksters. They just read scripts written by hucksters. Well, you can have a script, too. After perusing these examples, you might even be inspired to write one yourself. Let your experience, and your irritation, be your guides.

This is my personal favorite. It is simple and works like a call screener. If the caller is someone I know, I can just start a conversation or suggest I call back after supper.

You: “Hello?”
Caller: Silence, background chatter, followed by “Hello?”
You: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello?”
You: “Hello?”
Caller: “Hello?”
You: “Hello?”
Caller: click

If, for some reason, the caller persists, try this ending.

Caller: “Hello?”
You: “Hello?” (no more than 4 times total)
Caller: “Hello?”
You: Say the following as you gradually pull the phone away from your head, “I guess there’s nobody there.” Then hang up.

You: “Algo?”
Caller: Puzzled silence, followed by “Hello?”
You: “Krevak nistopa?”
Caller: “Hello?”
You: “Meshka voon kraktoa!”
Caller: click

Script 2 requires a little practice to sound like you are a native speaker of this fictitious language. You also might need to add some more vocabulary so you can extend the fake conversation with ease.

You: “Joe’s Bar and Grill”
Caller: Confused babbling, followed by “Hello?”
You: “Joe’s Bar and Grill”
Caller: “Um, is Hank Piscator there?” (actually, the caller would ask for you, but you aren’t going to fall into that trap)
You: “Sorry, we don’t take calls for customers,” then hang up.

Script 3 is also easy to use. You can substitute the name of any business that appeals to you. The biggest problem with this approach is that it can fool people you know. Warn your friends and family. Also warn any businesses that you know will be calling you.

Finally, share your experiences with these scripts or share your own creations. Just add a comment below.